He loves me; He loves me not?

Will God still love me if I do not obey Him? If I know He wants me to do something, and I don’t do it, will He accept me?

If you’re a ‘good’ Christian, you will know the answer to this one. But, do you really know?

Knowing we should do something in a moment, but not doing it. Getting all the ‘feels’ as a prompt, yet not acting…

It was years ago. I felt tired, bone weary.

I had a happy, healthy, heavy toddler in a pram and had driven 1/2 an hour to a shopping centre to purchase ballet essentials. I hoped to get in and out. FAST. Bag ‘it’ and run.

Making my way through the centre, I walked past a young man with a perfume bottle in one hand, a sample in another. With a thick accent and a big smile, he invaded my space. Backpacker or international student, I surmised.

He waved the perfume at me, and I shook my head, smiling.

I felt the nudge.

‘Stop for him.’

‘No,’ I responded.

‘I’m tired. I want to get in, out and go home. If he approaches me again on my way out I will stop.’

With that, I walked on, hoping I could avoid the man on my way out.

Ballet items in hand, I headed back, hoping the young man would not approach me again.

I hoped I had ‘heard’ wrong.

Pushing the heavy, but happy, healthy one in the pram, with a weariness threatening to overwhelm, I noted the smiling, enthusiastic, perfume wielding, accent laden young man ahead.

Girding myself, while pushing the stroller more resolutely, I put my head down and charged.

Out of the corner of my averted eyes, I saw him head my way.

I veered left and kept veering until there was no more ‘left’ to go.

‘Cornered,’ I thought

I pleaded with God, ‘Ok, ok, he has approached me. I know I did a deal, but I just can’t…’

I was close to tears. Weary. I had stopped for so many, and I felt tired.

Although I knew, that I knew, that I knew, that God wanted to reach out to Him, through me, I did not stop.

The young man reached out his hand, speaking to me as he cornered me against the shop window. Yep, God had done a doozy.

A rush of emotions flooded me. God’s heart for him was intense. There was such a compulsion to speak to Him. Such a overwhelm of love.

Did I stop?

No, I veered away

And, as I veered, I felt God’s heart break for the man I would not stop for. A love so intense, a heart so for the one before me. Love intense…

Yet, instantly, simultaneously, there was a flood of love for me. A warmth, a kindness and a goodness reverberated through my being. The complete love and acceptance and adoration I felt from Him for ME was extreme.

I felt God’s heartbreak for the young man; as I felt and heard HIs word of love for me:

‘I love you; I’m proud of you; you are weary and tired…’ he said.

‘Yes, I want you to stop for this one; yet I love you regardless.’

His words of love and acceptance flooding my being…

And as the love poured over my weary heart and body, the reality that I did not have to perform for His love sank deep. I knew this; but I did not KNOW this.

Love silenced the voice of condemnation as I leaned into what He said to me, what He said IN me.

I will never forget.

To hold the ‘both/and,’ rather than the ‘either/or,’ is challenging. There is a duplicity we must hold in the tension of both being real.

To carry the extreme love He has for the ones we walk past every day; but to know that you know He adores you regardless, is a tough lesson to grasp in this time of Facebook, Instagram, Tweets, performance, likes, acceptance through behaviour.

It rattled the perfectionistic, performance driven girl to her core; but, in understanding and receiving it, I knew I was where He wanted me.

I was home in His arms of understanding. I am foremost His girl, His beloved daughter, in whom He is well pleased (Mark 1:11). There is nothing more I can do to earn His love; His acceptance… His approval is mine.

He loves, regardless.

Yet, there is a call. It is a privilege to hear and respond.

To partner with Heaven is sheer joy.

When He moves on our heart for the one on the streets, at the workplace, in our clubs and/or in our schools etc, there is responsibility.

Can you see the ‘both/and’?

He delights as we co labour with Him – loving the world to Himself. We be His arms, so to speak…

Ambassadors in a foreign land we re-present Him. His love is our armour, His acceptance, our embrace.

He invites us to co-labour, in His labour of love.

There is an ease in the dance.

‘Take my hand, Little One, let Me lead…’

Whispers released in the wind.

This story of ‘failure’, of acceptance, is powerful. This story of Truth must be told. I seek to tell the good; bad; and ugly – how else are we encouraged to fall forward into the arms of One who is Love.

I affirm there is no excuse for lack of obedience. I could have stopped, and refreshing would flow. It is not told to encourage a lack of forward movement. Rather, it shows that His love and acceptance will not shake loose. Who and What He will always be is in this three-word phrase…

God is Good!

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8 thoughts on “He loves me; He loves me not?

  1. Since you asked if anyone has had a similar experience I will share, I’ve been sitting on this for over a year or more. I had just recently come from a long journey(spiritual) in the wilderness. I was again on fire for god. I was on my way to work, early morning & I had stopped at our local 24/7 convenience store for milk. I had got to know the owners well since moving to the area 6 years ago, & it was always nice to have a quick chat. I hadn’t been in for over a week & as I when in I noticed a different person behind the counter, maybe the regular owners gave gone on holidays ??. Anyway I proceeded to the counter, the shop was empty which was most unusual as it is always buzzing with tradies etc at this hour. I passed over my milk, smiled & asked the girl/young lady how she was going. No reply, just a blank stare, she passed back the milk. Still the shop was empty. I was about to ask where the regular owners were & to have a great day but she just looked down & started filling out a list of some sort. I wanted to ask if she was ok but instead I took offence at her behaviour & I just walked out of the empty shop. Also the car park was empty, no one at the petrol pumps, the air was still & it was eerily quiet. It was “spooky”. I drive off. I only got about 500 meters down the road & the voice in my head said, “that was the one”. What do you mean I asked. I set that up for you, that was the one I wanted you to stop for said the head voice. You set all that up I asked.?Did you not sense my presence, did you not notice no one was around said the voice. I do now I replied, perhaps I’ll go back I thought. No need to go back, the moment has passed , but I have shown you how I work, how this works & I know that you will be receptive next time said the head voice. So I missed the chance that time, I missed an opportunity, but god taught me a lesson that day to be aware when he calls for the ONE. And to step out. He didn’t reprimand me, he still loves me, but I am so much more aware that he is before me looking out for the ONE.

    1. Oh yes thank you for sharing. That was a trainable moment ♥️ well done for recognising it… that is a win 🙌💝

  2. I had something kind of like this happen many years ago but it was much quicker in the correction. A gal used to come in to my workplace who was awkward and rather forward in her speech. Direct. For some reason she always rubbed me the wrong way and I tried to avoid her when I could. So one evening as I was walking down an aisle she came into that aisle towards me and there was nowhere for me to turn except right around and that would have been very obvious but I did start to turn around. So she saw me and I had this “oh no I’m trapped!” feeling and most likely a matching look on my face. The gal says ” I know that you don’t like me but could you pray for me about…” and I immediately felt convicted and awful. So I did pray for her and seeing her the other visits that followed weren’t as hard but this time it was more in the lesson learned category. Because God is good (!) ,like you say, and He corrected me firmly but nicely that evening.

    1. Oh good on you, and in that moment you made a step further towards understanding snd seeing her ♥️ well done you 🥰

  3. To be consciously aware of how much He loves us shared in each of these vulnerable stories powerfully highlights the reality that we are His children and we are loved just where we are. I wonder many times if I was supposed to respond or if that was just me. I am learning to hear more clearly and these stories encourage me.

    1. You hear so well my friend. I’m glad these stories encourage 👏 and as you step out and tell if His goodness so your community will get better at hearing more clearly and stop for the one … in this way we take a suburb, a city, a nation for Jesus ♥️

  4. Oh Beth, this had it all.
    We’ve all been there, not having the energy to follow…. you made me laugh, smile and my heart poured out for you…as I read Father’s response.
    Oh Beth….I felt it all through your words.
    Isn’t that just like Him. 💗
    Yes to the push n pull…. those moments where we don’t measure up to our own expectations sometimes and yet He doesn’t demand perfection.
    This in your pure style Beth, is honest, authentic and loving. It was refreshing to read something that didn’t tie up in a neat little bow. We both know that it doesn’t always.
    Well done Bethie, this was one of your best so far… Thankyou as always. xxxxx

    1. Beautiful Karen thank you for reading and seeing that there is complexity to life (which there is 🤣). ♥️🥰 but what I love is His love is not based on our performance or works, which we know, but to truly know, experientially is profound ♥️

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